Things You Won't Find in the Baby Books: A New Host of Nightmares

I have always been a vivid dreamer. I spend a lot of time daydreaming, but I also am one of those annoying people who remembers what they dream at night and wants to relate them in agonizing detail to anyone who will listen.

It is one of my many irritating qualities, and the fact that my husband half listens to my lunatic dream ramblings, further reminds me that I'm married to a saintly man.

When I was younger I used to dream about tornadoes and hurricanes approaching my home, and that I was screaming to my family to take shelter, but no one would listen to me.

I used to wake up in tears after dreaming about my dad dying. I  used to insert myself into strange mishmashes of my favorite television shows. I used to dream about the students who caused me the most grief in the classroom.

I had to wake up and tell myself to

Source: abisaturday.tumblr.com via Jayme on Pinterest

Then I had my baby, and my dreams became terrifying.

When she was first born, and I was sleeping in the hospital I dreamed that she was horribly disfigured, with no eyes or hands.

We brought her home. I would wake up in the night frantically pulling at the covers around my feet. I would dream that she was in the bed with us, had worked her way under the covers around my feet, and was suffocating.

 This was distressing to our dog in particular, because he usually was sleeping around my feet when these dreams occurred only to be rudely awoken by my abrupt, terrified jostling and mumbles of "Get her out! Get her out!"

Lately, I dream that I leave the house and forget about her. She is stuck on top of the dryer, or in the bathtub. I am blissfully unaware until someone starts yelling at me about being an incompetent mother.

These are not the type of dreams I want to have during my precious hours of sleep. I'd much rather be dreaming I'm a singing, dancing character in a mash up of Glee, West Wing, Mad Men, and Community.

But not Dexter.

Don't get me started on my terrifying Dexter nightmares.

Speaking of which, is anyone else excited about the new season of Dexter starting soon?

I'm actually stressing out for him after the ending of last season.

I clearly need to stop watching so much tv.

Things You Won't Find In the Baby Books: Neck Stench Edition

Always put a bib on your baby when you feed him or her lest your baby develops the rarely mentioned, not uncommon neck stench.

My baby went through a phase of growth where she had multiple chins and no neck. Milk would get trapped in those chin folds and become impossible to completely remove. That milk, nestled in the warm rolls of skin ripens into cheese.

Disgusting, but true.

"Why don't you just bathe your baby?"

This seems like the obvious answer, but trust me, it's not.

When this was happening, my daughter was getting a bath in the morning (because I don't feel fresh unless I have a morning shower and I couldn't help thinking she felt the same way) and a bath before bed to settle her down.

I couldn't get into all of those folds with the washcloth and soap, despite rigorous scrubbing.

The only thing that slightly alleviated it was using powder on her, which I didn't want to do because I read in the baby books that Talc was bad for their little lungs. However the baby books had no answer for neck stench issues.

I thought about all the babies who were powdered and perfectly healthy. Then I got a whiff of the distasteful, Limburger-esque scent emanating from her neck and I dusted her.

The only thing that cured the smell was waiting a month and a half for my baby to grow a neck.

But it was a long smelly month and a half.

So, use all of those cute bibs people will give you when your baby is born, and maybe buy a few more.

And don't be ashamed if this happens to you. After talking to a few more moms, this is another baby thing that is more common than people let on.

and Mommy loves me, but not my stinky neck!